Please Help Criticize this STATEMENT OF PURPOSE

I'm currently applying to study abroad and as usual, you've got to submit a Statement of Purpose.

I need your genuine criticism of the structure, facts and originality of this SOP.

Please Help.

STATEMENT OF PURPOSE

One day I was sweeping our new apartment with my usual palm-frond made broom, which required I bend over for a long period of time. Sweeping the large expanse put a lot of stress on my back and so, I began to think on the way out. Several options came but the most affordable for me was to tie a well rounded, light but strong stick to the broom. Henceforth, I began to stretch while sweeping and I swept better and faster because of the large surface area I could cover at one sweep. Many things are old fashioned and unconventional, yet they produce satisfactory results that meet the Mechanical Engineer’s definitions of an effective and efficient system.

I have always cherished a dream to become an Engineer, a dream to improve on the quality of life at little or affordable cost. I have demonstrated prudence and intelligence in solving my everyday problems with the simplest and satisfactory methods that I ever know. For example, I have simulated Upheaval Buckling of Pipelines with Monte Carlo simulation using Microsoft Excel, which ordinarily would have required some specialized software or programming. I designed a blender with both manual and electrical capabilities, well suitable for a country like Nigeria, where constant electricity is a big problem. These and many other simple but efficient systems are my interests and accomplishments.

I have always felt a strong need for achievement, which has been the motivating force behind whatever I have achieved in my academic career.Notable among my academic achievements, I had represented the department of Mechanical Engineering Lagos State University on The Control Demolition of Bank of Industry Building Marina, Lagos, which is first of its kind in sub-Saharan Africa, where I led a team of 12 students from various tertiary institutions across Lagos State Nigeria.That experience had further strengthened my interest in CAE,Stress Analysis and Simulation. I finished my First Degree with 2nd Class Upper Division and a CGPA of 3.64 on the scale of 5 (73%) and had the best result in my class in my final semester with a GPA of 5/5.

During my study at Undergraduate level, I had nurtured a growing interest in CAE,Stress Analysis and Simulation due to its immense real life applications and wide scope of research. It is my interest to excel in these fields and expose myself to the outer limits of specialized knowledge of these fields.I believe my design skills and creativity would be greatly enhanced with an M.sc in Mechanical Engineering. I am well acquainted with Mechanical software such as AutoCAD, AutoCAD P&ID, Autodesk INVENTOR and Microsoft Office Suite .

University Of Bradford has pioneered various researches in my field of interest. Being a prospective student for new challenging ideas, I believe that an opportunity for higher education in Bradford would be a unique fortuity to test and prove my ability and also enrich and broaden my keen interests. I believe that over the years, I have evolved into a person who can fit easily into a team and different environment and who appreciates the value of discussion and exchange of ideas. I am largely self-regulated and capable of independent work, given an opportunity.

Having gone through the details of your research facilities and world-class training available at your university, I feel that they are very much catering to my fields of interest and it is the right place to embark upon my academic career. An assistantship besides providing financial support as seen fit by the university official would gain me valuable research experience and will place me in a vantage position in my career. I was exceptional in my final year due to a scholarship I received from my local government, which relieved me of a 4-year responsibility of providing for myself. I therefore want to aver that I will make maximum use of all opportunities bestowed upon me and shall pursue my goals with whole-hearted dedication and shall live to the high standards set by the university.

I sincerely hope my application for admission is favorably received.

Name...........

I love it. It is so real and personable.
I think its good to go.

Nice one, but needs a few adjustments especially in the grammatical construction of some of your sentences. Also you need to readjust your statements that contain the words "I have always". They occur too frequently. Your joining clauses also need to be adjusted.

It's cool...really nice but I agree with all Toluluck's observations. Also, some of your sentences are also too long (the first paragraph can be made more concise for instance), some words are redundant while others can be replaced for better effect.

For instance in the sentence "I have demonstrated...and satisfactory methods that I ever know. For example, I have....". For example here could be replaced with exemplified since you have already used for example in alot of places....stuff like that.

I also don't understand what you mean by assistanceship in the last paragraph. Are you also looking for some sort of financial aid from the University???

I gather that you are already an engineer and you have talked about your achievements but I think you should discuss more on why you want this M.Sc. as this appears scanty. Perhaps if you organise the paragraphs better with one basic idea per paragraph, your reasons will be more obvious.

It's a really interesting piece and I hope I was able to help in my own little way. All the best!!!