Topic: I beg...make una laff now!

Laff Lines With
Santa Novva
Tel.08052071958, E-mail [email protected]

Shakespeare was right when he said the world was a stage and we all players but he didn’t add that living in this world is also a gamble, a lottery which is dependent on chance (to a great extent).To get a job , na like lottery. The numerous applicants wey they show for tests fit give person “accidental HBP”!Infact, with the rush to sasit for tests, many applicants will not think twice before applying for HIV tests!

To the Nigerian, life has become a matter of “e fit be u”, there are examples everywhere – Nigerian Lotto, Lagos Lottery, M Lotto, Baba Ijebu and worst of all, marrying a sister has now become an issue of “e fit be u!”

Imagine you meet a sweet sister and after introductions and verification (yes, you need to scrutinize her national I D card and verify her date of birth so that she wouldn’t celebrate her birthday twice at your expense or imitate our under 21 footballers with “tailor-made” ages), you start going out and catching fun. You are in a world of bliss as you “Tantalize”, “Tasty Fry” and “Oceanview” her with “Sweet Sensations” (would you bukarize a sister? I doubt). You spend time and hard-earned resources at the cinema, beaches and you are never unplugged from the rhythm of gifts and presents and every time she receives a gift from you, she gives you a Jennifer Lopez’ look, blows you a Domitilla kiss and captures you in an “ayangba” hug that makes you go “wow, this must be heaven!”

Lets say this goes on for about nine months and one fateful day, you paid her an unscheduled visit at her house and (God have mercy!) she was in the arms and caress of another Valentino. You were expecting her to apologise and plead but instead, she walks you out and says: “Why you dey vex? Have you married me yet? Abeg, take am easy o! I am yet to choose who I will like to spend the rest of my life with as a wife. Nevertheless, take heart (no cause for control, everything is under alarm), “e fit be u!” .Yes, if such happens to you, what will you do? Even if you decide to “step aside” like IBB, its not easy losing the affection and trust of the one you care for.

Believe it or not, you should be grateful to God if such a scene happens before your marriage! (Of course, I wish you the best of relationships) It is better than finding out much later (after you’ve bonded yourselves with the uttering of the words: “I do”) that your pearl isn’t what it seemed to be! Such occurrences – infidelity, unfaithfulness, extra-marital affairs, do lead to divorce, separation and broken homes, and our streets are littered with touts and thugs – by-product of broken families, the smallest unit of the society.

Before you say “I do”, be sure you are saying it to the right person and at the right time. Eddie Murphy, in Coming to America had to travel from his African Village to Queens in USA to pick his queen. How far would you go and how hard would you try in the search for yours?

Hmn…is there love in Nigeria? I mean real love (not Aba-made or Alaba pirated copies!)Among the three major tribes in Nigeria, which is more into love? Is it the Hausas, Ibos or the Yoruba? I’ll try to provide an answer (but please, don’t quote me!)

The Yoruba have a saying which when interpreted says: “let’s stub our foot and see who tells us sorry and let’s close our eyes and pretend to be dead and see who would cry”. I will use this “theory” to provide the answer to the earlier question.

If a Hausa woman looses her husband (her beloved megida), she’ll be so over-weighed with grief that she’ll be unable to speak. She’ll just close-up herself to the world and environment and lament her lost love (even if he had a harem!) The Hausa woman will just enter into her hut and keep to herself. She’ll nurse her deep-seated loss in solitude (what devotion!)

If the same thing happened to the Yoruba woman, she would shout at the top of her voice (the Yoruba like noise!)The Yoruba woman would roll on the floor with a good display of acrobatics and lament gravely saying something like this: “Leave me! I say leave me alone! Baba Lanre!! Let me follow Baba Lanre!! Let me die with Baba Lanre!!!” but no matter how hard she tries to die and follow her husband, she’ll never jump into the uncovered well three feets away!

Now, In the case of the third tribe - the Ibo, if and Ibo woman, an “Nwa nkego” (Money child) looses her husband, her grief and pain will be overwhelming and unimaginable. Her acrobatics would be better than the Antilogwu Dancers and her lamentation would be greater than that of the Prophet Jeremiah in the Bible! This would be the nature of her words: “Papa Nnamdi, why? This was not our agreement! Papa Nnamdi, this was not the contract we had together, we never planned it this way!! Papa Nnamdi, you didn’t even sign the cheque!!!”

Na wa o! Is there really love in Nigeria I hope you wont have to do second-term and third-term marriages before you find real love, the “You is the one” (ask Azadus) but as for Santa Novva, I’ll hope and pray to God that one day, my true love will fall into my hands as Tafa Balogun and Anajemba dropped into the tight- fitting cuffs of EFCC!

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